THE SHEPHERD'S JOURNAL : humor

Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts

Thursday, December 29, 2011

#rmdo Further Proof Men Need Supervision! #humor #funnypic

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Putting all my humorous, insane posts on this blog, also.

Monday, November 14, 2011

Map of Australia

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I downloaded the picture and copied and pasted the dialog

from a site on Facebook called Awesome Quotes.

These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, hehehehe

__________________________________________________
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK ).

A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
__________________________________________________

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )

A:Depends how much you've been drinking.
__________________________________________________

Q:I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden )

A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
__________________________________________________

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay ? ( UK )

A: What did your last slave die of?
__________________________________________________

Q:Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA )

A: A-Fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not
... Oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
__________________________________________________

Q:Which direction is North in Australia ? (USA )

A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
_________________________________________________

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK )
A:Why? Just use your fingers like we do...
__________________________________________________

Q:Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is
Oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
__________________________________________________

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK )
A: You are a British politician, right?
__________________________________________________

Q:Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.
Milk is illegal.
__________________________________________________

Q:Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA )

A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.
All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
__________________________________________________

Q:I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA )

A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.
You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
__________________________________________________

Q:I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? ( USA )

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
__________________________________________________

Q:Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? ( France )

A: Only at Christmas.
__________________________________________________

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )

— with Mark Tyminski.

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Why Men Die First: #4

You've got to admire his determination and his agility.

Monday, October 24, 2011

A Good Time to Pray #2

Shooting Elephants in my Pajamas

Sitting at the computer reading the news, finally woke up enough to realize Mary brought me a cup of coffee about 10 minutes ago.

Sunday Dinner

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I don't know. Groucho Marx

Mary's turn to cook. She does breakfast and most snacks, I do dinner. She alternates between oat meal, French toast, and scrambled eggs,bacon, toast, with oatmeal being our favorite. Today is French toast.
I've started cooking daily, mostly with the wok, but I'll throw in a roast, carrots, and potatoes, or chicken breast and rice. Our ingredient costs are a little higher because we buy range fed, organic, natural ingredients, but average cost per meal is still between one and two dollars. That includes the coffee, wine for cooking, pop.
After Mary cooks French Toast for breakfast, I tell her, "I love it when you do French!" & kiss her arm from her hand to her shoulder.

Grandpa - so easy to operate a kid can do it. (t shirt saying)

It's getting a little scary on the view count on my blog. When I went to bed the count was 18 thousand, 3 hundred something. When I woke up, it was 18 thousand 4 hundred something. Now it's 18 thousand 5 hundred something. Every time I check the count the hundred meter goes up one more. Mary said, "Why does that scare you? You prayed for this, didn't you?"
God is good.

Phase 3 of the Death Star master plan called for high-end condos and a shopping center anchored by P. F. Chang's...from tweeter @badbanana

Far be it for me to obsess over details BUT: Observing the top ten countries, my lifetime blog audience is 30% international, with 10% from countries where English is not the first language. Last month my international audience rose to 60% with 30% coming from countries where English is not the first language.
This week my audience where English is not the first language is equal to my USA audience. My international audience is larger by 25% than my USA audience. This is a BIG change.

Levels of insanity: 1. Talks to self 2. Argues with self 3. Gets mad at self 4. Is no longer speaking to self!

Yesterdays page views was 413. I think it's a record.
God is good. I am grateful, and very awed.

Further Random Thoughts
Tomorrows forecast. God reigns! The Son shines!
Can't sleep counting sheep? Talk to the Shepherd.
Some questions can't be answered by Google, but God can.
A woman gave birth shortly after finishing the Chicago Marathon on Sunday. And that's why I don't jog - from tweeter @badbanana
Pity terrorists & dictators...watching their backs for former friends, the front for US Marines, & the sky for falling satellites.
At my age, I've seen it all, done it all, heard it all...I just can't remember it all.
Money talks. Chocolate SINGS!

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Friday, October 21, 2011

Why Men Need Supervision

How Twins Are Made

Thursday, October 20, 2011

You Are Light

Colossians 1

Take a quark, a tiny particle of matter. In it's natural state it vibrates at the rate of other particles around it, a harmony. Add energy to the quark, and it begins to warm other quarks around it with radiant heat. Add enough energy, & it will EXPLODE into light, announcing to the universe it's new state.
Thank you, Jesus, for the GOSPEL, for it turns us into light for the world to see the TRUTH.
If you believe the Gospel, you have more than a bright future, you are the light of the future.

I have been neglecting my time with You, Lord, but You are gently prodding me to stay close!
Lord, you are the One Who holds back reproach, a punishment we deserve, for we have all failed You.
Thank You for Your mercy, demonstrated by Your Son Jesus & His death on the Cross.
Forgive your enemies! It messes with their heads!
I'm always thanking you, Lord Jesus, for I see faith in my Facebook and Twitter friends.
We have heard the simple, powerful story of GOOD NEWS, & it gives us HOPE!
I pray constantly for you, friends, that you would be filled with the knowledge of His Will.

Thanks, whoever you are, for clicking on one of my blog's Google Ads. Google just threw $.90 in my kitty.

CHOCOLATE! The breakfast of Champions!
If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen - the cook
Better living through DENIAL!

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

The Building of Hope

Colossians 1

Today I'm studying Colossians on biblegateway.com. I've bookmarked the link and filed it under Bible links so I can open it quickly whenever I'm on the computer.
Colossians is a garden I come to often, along with I Corinthians 1-3. Those chapters focus on Christ and the Cross, the central part of history, Eternity, and the Theme of God's message.
If you would know who you are, you must know Who God is. If you would know Who God is, you must look to the Cross.
Colossians 1:5 has a beautiful word picture in the phrase: for the hope that is laid up for you. Our hope has been patiently, diligently been built in heaven like a brick layer or stone worker FOR US by God the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit each doing their part. His Work of Hope is not composed of a single element for a single purpose, but is all inclusive, design, structure, pattern, soft and hard, jewels and bricks, a building of breath taking beauty. It includes the story of your life, friends and family, your Eternal future, the surprises of beauty brought in daily.
Every element of the Building of Hope which God is making for you contains, comes from, and points to Jesus, and can be found in the Story of The Cross. Jesus DIED so a thief could be in Paradise. Jesus died because of good people, and in spite of good people so good people could realize our goodness is a filthy rag compared to the Beauty of Jesus. Believe that, and you have HOPE!

I cooked again with my magic wok. Mary and I bought an over sized roast. They're all over sized when there's just 2 people. I sliced a hunk off, and cut it into slivers. I had already cut up a yellow pepper, onion, and a sweet potato into strips. Started the meat first, added real beef bouillon, all purpose seasoning, a little agave, Kikkoman's soy sauce, dash of sea salt, added the sweet potato next, then the pepper, onion, and some dried tomato. Mary was very, very happy.

The number of countries that have viewed my blog is now over 80, and the number of languages it has been translated into by Google translation is over 30. I never saw this coming. God is good.
Another confusing but good fact is that sites other than Facebook and Twitter are referring views to my blog at a much higher rate and growing. The Hell messages are by far the biggest draw. Never saw that one coming either.

God gives me the ability to preach sermons in less than 140 characters, which I gladly do for Him. God gets the glory for this.
God is FOR the flat tax... 10%!
God does not believe in atheists, therefore atheists do not exist.

DENIAL is not just a river in Egypt.
Due to budget cuts, the light at the end of the tunnel has been cut off- management
I took an IQ test. The results were negative.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

A Good Time to Pray #1

Monday, October 17, 2011

Cooking Veggies, geek stuff, random thoughts

Sunday, October 17, 2011 Mary's up early so we can go to the early service, 10:30, early for me, that is. Too many years on third shift.
Eric (Mary's son) sent us a lot of veggies from his garden, squash, tomatoes, peppers, onions, and Mary brought me a nice wok from IKEA, $5, so I dusted off my cooking skills and made dinner. Cut an acorn squash in half, cooked it at 350 in the oven, boiled some red potatoes, and cooked peppers, an onion, and a tomato in the wok, then finished up with 3 scrambled eggs in the wok. Mary was happy.
Mary's condo is caty corner from a Little Caesars, or about a hundred yards. Big square pizza for $7 plus $1 for garlic bread sticks. I cook there about twice a month.
About politics: I won't vote for any candidate that is not strongly and actively pro life. I have voted for ANOTHER party if the candidate is pro life. I will support bipartisanship and compromise on financial issues. I will never compromise on LIFE. Best approach is to stay informed, stay constantly in prayer, and don't be afraid to let God lead. I went into a poll once determined to vote for Jimmy Carter, and felt compelled to vote for Ronnie while I was in there. Don't want to do a comparison here, for God will be the ultimate Judge of all Kings, but God's Spirit CAN direct in the polling booth. Politics wins. Statesmanship does the right thing, win or lose. Better to lose an election than God's favor.
I just did a random check on Facebook search and found out my links are being shared, not just viewed. I am very grateful. Thank you. There were over 140 views of my blog on Friday. Most of the views came from Google searches, which indicates word of mouth is getting more draw than my posting. I've noticed a big upturn of viewing since Google brought out the new dynamic view which enables my friends to find other posts easier. Also had a turning point on my business. Made $10 from advertisement fees from Amazon, so I will actually get a check next month. I appreciate your prayers and encouragement.

Random thoughts:
So far, I’m the oldest I’ve ever been!
Horse lovers are STABLE people.
DON'T MAKE ME VIOLATE MY PAROLE!
My karma just ran over my dogma.
STOP REPEAT OFFENDERS! Don't reelect them.
Work is for people who don't know how to fish.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder -the mechanic
YOU CAN'T SCARE ME! I have a two year old - mom
hookd on fonics wurked four mee!
Life has no remote. Get up and change it yourself!

Mike and Mary:

Mary didn't like my idea on how to keep the lid on the caramel coffee flavoring syrup from sticking... spray it with WD40
Mary likes to watch the credits at the end of movies to see if there's any of her relatives listed. I do the same thing at the post office.
Sometimes I pretend to be normal. Mary replied: How's that working out for you?

Notes from Management:

ME BOSS - YOU NOT! -management
Beatings will continue until moral improves - management Please do not throw cigarette butts into urinals as this makes them soggy and hard to light! -management
I’M THE BOSS!! my wife said I could be..

Chocolate:
Then God created chocolate, and God separated the Light from the Dark, and God Called it GOOD!
If at first you don't succeed, have a piece of chocolate!
CHOCOLATE! It isn't just for breakfast any more!
There's only one thing better than coffee or chocolate... coffee and chocolate together!

The Beauty of Insanity:
CHAOS! PANIC! DISORDER! My work here is done.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
My reality check just bounced.
The doc on The Gifted Man gets out his cell phone when he's talking to an unseen voice. Now why didn't I think of that?
Out of my mind. Back in 5 minutes?
DO NOT DISTURB! I'm disturbed enough.
Consciousness: the annoying time between naps.
The Doc on The Gifted Man tv show is having difficulty appearing to be sane while talking to unseen voices. I could give him pointers.
I do all my own stunts.
What if the Hokey Pokey is really what it's all about?
I'M SMILING! because I don't know what's going on.